It has recently dawned on me that Motherhood should come with a warning label attached. I feel as if the FDA, FAA, USEF, OSHA, AMHA, FBI, or some other government agency, should issue a federal warning to all women considering motherhood. Let's face it, there are tons of warnings once you become pregnant. Do not ride this rollarcoaster if you are expecting....do not bungee jump, do not drink Caffeine, do not eat shell fish, do not fly after 36 weeks pregnant, do not drink alcohol and smoke (duh), do not stand on your head and recite the alphabet, no horse back riding (That's a Travis Rule). But my point is business, doctors, even the FAA go to great lengths to warn women about the potential dangers duing their pregnancies, but no one has really issued a warning for what happens after you give birth to that wonderful bundle of joy. So I am officially issuing a warning to all of my followers....all 10 of you. (Yup...I'm popular) It goes something like this....
WARNING: Having Children may cause....
1. You to get fat....Okay not everyone gets fat, and some gain more weight than others. And I know who you people are who are super skinny and toting around kids the same again as Madeline. I will find you and I will glare at you....a LOT! But considering my genes I should have been back to a size 4 two months after conceiving The Mad One. That's what happened to my mother. I was born in May and in June there are pictures of her strutting her stuff in a VERY tiny Bikini on the beach. I went on a cruise a couple weeks ago and wore a cover up 90% of the time. (did I mention Mad is 15 months old now.) It seems like once I got pregnant my metabolism went on strike. "Hey Erin, we don't feel like working anymore....so good luck with that weight lose thing." What the Heck! Don't even get me started on stretch marks...
2. Lack of Sleep: This is a no brainer right? Anyone who has ever heard of an infant knows that new mothers and some fathers, although not my husband, lack sleep the first few months of their child's life. Get that. And I was super fortunate that my daughter thought sleeping was pretty cool early on. We figure she got the Thomas Sleeping Genes...my brother can sleep 20 hours a day given the chance. But no one told me that I was going to turn into an insomniac once she was born. It's like my super hero hearing kicked in and I am awakened from a dead sleep because the Mad rolled over at 3am. Then once I am finally back to sleep my super powers kick in again and I can hear her sigh deeply. What's the point in having a baby who enjoys sleeping if I can't reap the benefits of it?
3. Everyone to forget who you are:Prior to Madeline being born and during my pregnancy people would call all the time to talk to me. They would ask how I was doing, how work was, how I was feeling. People were generally interested in my life. Now that I have Madeline no one cares about me anymore. People call and pretend for about 15 seconds that they are interested in the movie I saw last week....but usually the conversation turns quite abruptly to Madeline. "How is Mad? Is she doing anything new? Does she like the clothes we bought her? Can you send us more pictures? Put Mad on the phone. Hi Mad it's....fill in the blank...we are going to send you a million dollars." I'm good....I'd like new clothes or $100...I just won the world record in underwater basket weaving...I just got nominated for a seat on the Supreme Court....NOTHING! It's all Madeline all the time. Wait until she is actually old enough to talk on the phone. Once caller ID comes up I will just hand the phone to her. "Oh the phones ringing. Oh its my dermatologist she probably wants to talk to you." Hand the phone to Madeline.
4. May Cause Shift In Power: Sometimes in my house if feels like we live in a Terrorist State. Things will be going along well, no complaints, no issues and then BAM! Madeline throws a fit because Travis won't let her touch the hot stove. Then depending on her mood, and the time of day, the fit could last anywhere between 10 minutes and a couple hours. And there is NO replacement for that hot stove. No blanket, pacifier, bunny, dog, spoon, milk, or even bribes of money, can replace how important it was to touch that hot stove. AND we are the most evil and awful people on the planet for not letting her touch the hot stove. My philosophy used to be "We are like the UN, we do not negotiate with Terrorists." But lately my outlook has changed to more of "GIVE HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS SO SHE STOPS CRYING!" Before anyone freaks out and calls CPS I have never let my child touch a hot stove. I stayed strong on that one. ;)
5. May Be Contagious: This works 2 ways as well. The first one is that women see other women having babies and think it's fun and easy. My friend Jennifer who just had baby Jacob almost had me fooled. After being there during his labor and holding baby Jacob when he was just minutes old made me long for the days when the Mad was little. Jennifer's labor was so easy it made me forget the horrible labor I suffered through and the weeks of recuperation to put myself back together. I said almost....I wasn't fooled! I came home and slept through the night (kinda see number 2) and woke up and realized Jennifer had probably been up every 3 hours for feedings. No Thanks! The second way is that the babies themselves trick you. They go through stages that are much easier than others. Once you have left a difficult stage and emerge yourself into the easier one you forget the horrors of the previous months and fall madly in love with your baby again. This is when it becomes really easy to get hypnotised by their charm and decide to have another. DON'T FALL FOR IT! A couple weeks later you will be knocked up and fighting over who has to feed the child that hates everything you have in the house. The loser walks away with a face full of sweet potatoes and peas. The winner has to listen the loser curse under their breath. Pretty much before the night is over you both want to touch a hot stove. :)
But like every good HR Representative will tell you, you have to give constructive feedback. Along with all the warnings we have to acknowledge all the good things that come from having these little people in your life. (I love it when work overlaps with my blog. Can I count this as paid time?)
WARNING: Having Children May....
1. Cause extreme happiness: Watching Madeline explore and discover the world around her is the best gift I could ever receive. When she looks at me and says " Ma Ma Ma Ma" if never sises to make me smile.
2. Be Life Altering: So no one remembers who I am anymore...big deal. The only person who counts in my world is Mad. (Sorry Trav you are a close second) My whole life is dedicated to making her happy. Gone are the days when all I cared about was myself. I somehow managed to create and bring into this world a perfect little girl and my whole goal in life is to surround her everything she could possible need or want. (Except beauty pageants and new cars. Those are Travis' rules)
3. Bring You Immeasurable Love: I wish for all of you the love I feel everyday when I look at Madeline. It is pure, unaltered, and infinite in it's abundance.
4. Make You a Better Person: I have yet to met anyone who can raise a child and not grow and learn everyday from the experience. I have better patience, tolerance, budgeting skills, time management, and somehow grew 4 more arms in the process. I have become a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, and a more caring and understanding wife.
To all the mothers out there I salute you! To all the skinny mothers out there...I glare at you!!
xoxo Erin
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